How to say no without guilt.

This time of year is supposed to be a time for connection with those closest to us, of sharing special moments, and of giving and receiving.  Unfortunately for many of us it can also be a time of increased stress, an overflowing social calendar, and a sense of obligation.

Today’s message is especially for you if you find it difficult to say no.  It’s for you if you find that ‘no’ comes with a feeling of guilt.  It’s for you if you find yourself saying yes when you really wanted to say no.

If you’ve been unable to give yourself permission to say no, allow me to give it to you now:

You have permission to do what you want to do.

You have permission to do what feels right for you.

You have permission to make decisions without having to justify them to anyone.

I don’t mean you have to stonewall every request or invitation that comes your way.  What I do mean is allowing yourself to check in with yourself and say yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no.

Your desires matter.  Your choices are important.  What’s right for you is a priority.

So here are a couple of tips to support you to make it feel easier to say no:

•  Give yourself time and space when you’re asked something, so you don’t find yourself pressured into saying yes if you don’t want to.  Pause, check in with your head, heart and gut, and notice what your desired response is.

•  If you can, buy yourself some time.  If you’re asked for a favour on the spot, let the person know you need some time to consider it and let them know when you’ll get back to them. If it’s a request by email, walk away from it so you don’t find yourself replying before you’ve had time to consider it fully.

•  Pay attention to what it feels like when you have a sense of obligation to say yes to something.  What’s really preventing you from saying no?  What do you fear will happen if you say no?

•  You don’t need to apologise.  An empowered no is simple, polite and to the point.  “No thank you” may be all you need to say.

•  You don’t need to offer an explanation.  The trouble with providing a reason is that a persistent person might try to work around it and find solutions to make you say yes.  So resist the temptation to say anything other than a simple, polite no.

•  If you want to, offer an alternative. If what’s being proposed doesn’t suit you but you want to support the person in some way, by all means offer another option.  Just be sure that it’s one you do want to say yes to.

•  If you need to, start practicing with smaller ‘no’s so you can build your confidence.

Often we get carried away with worrying about what people will think of us if we say no, so if this is something you struggle with let’s talk .  I’d love to support you to get great at saying no with confidence and without guilt.

Go well,

Ruth