The most important piece of leadership advice I’ve ever received.

Over my career I’ve learned a lot from watching and listening to other leaders who had a range of styles and strengths.  Some gave me explicit advice and mentorship.  Some showed me how to lead by what they said and did.  Some taught me lots by demonstrating a leadership style that I didn’t enjoy or respect.

In all the learning I’ve had over the years, one piece of advice sticks with me more than any other.  I was in my first formal people leadership role, and I’d been promoted from within the team, meaning I was now leading people who had previously been my peers.  This can be a particularly challenging transition for a leader, and I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do!

One day my manager said to me “You’re not here to be their friend”.

I remember at the time feeling slightly stunned at this revelation.  As a team we were quite sociable and I was used to being one of them, with a certain level of friendship beyond the working relationship. My manager’s words really challenged me.  Why couldn’t I be their friend any more?  What did this mean?

The reason this advice has stuck with me so vividly is because it felt so confronting at the time and required me to do a lot of self-exploration and personal growth.  You see, I realised that I had a strong need to be liked by others.  In my mind, I wanted to be someone that everyone thought was fantastic.  I hoped that everyone would love everything I said and did, and that nobody would have a bad word to say about me.

Unrealistic, much?

In my work now I see this crop up for many leaders, some of whom have been in leadership roles for a long time.  If this sounds like you, then first of all allow yourself to be where you are.  There’s nothing wrong with you if this is something you recognise in yourself.

However, if you want to be truly effective as a leader, and really support other people to be their best, and lead a high-performing team, then I suggest you might want to take a look at it.  Because the reality is, a need to be liked by others can limit your effectiveness.

It can prevent you from being decisive, because you want to get everyone’s agreement.

It can stop you from having tough conversations, because you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

It can hold you back from setting a clear direction, because you worry if others don’t like your ideas.

So today, ask yourself the following questions:

Is needing to be liked more important to me than being respected?

Is needing to be liked more important to me than my own self-respect?

Notice what comes up for you as you consider these questions.  What’s behind your need to be liked?  What will happen (in your mind) if someone doesn’t like you?  Ask these questions with curiosity and without judgement, and pay attention to what insights you have.  You may start to gain some insights that will support your leadership and your own self-confidence.

If this is something you’d like more help with, please set up a call to talk about how this is playing out for you and how you can turn it around.

Go well,

Ruth